You made mistakes, you still do. As I have gotten older I am more understanding of them. I am more grateful that you were human. Whether or not I was able to see it when I was younger, I see it now. Gratification is something that will always be lacking in life simply because life isn’t something we do to seek praise for. There may be things that still bother me about growing up just as there are probably things that bother you.
How easily we forget how life felt when we are expecting, to how much joy we would feel at everything our babies do when they are so little. Being a mom I catch myself having to realize they are still so young even though they want to be older. I have to realize that when they frustrate me, they themselves are frustrated too. What I used to find adorable, the talking and blubbering, can seem more annoying as they age. The way we see it, feel it, and deal with it seems to be more disciplinary as they get older. I don’t fully know when the change happens but it does.
So, to say I am sorry for all the headaches I gave you, all the arguments I wasted time on, all the hugs I said I didn’t want because it wasn’t cool or I was mad, all the times I ignored you because I couldn’t handle my own emotions and didn’t realize yours were tangled up in there too, all the sleepless nights, all the worry I gave you, and so much more to be sorry for will never fully cover it all. Some things I do wish I could give you more of, simply because I love you, even when I am mad or we are not talking, but to say I would go and change everything would be a lie. The beauty in the mistakes I have made and you have made is what made us who we are. As long as I am not a sadistic narcissistic lunatic, murderer, or psychotic individual I would have to say you did your job well.
When I think of my memories, there is not one where you are not in it in some way. Physically or just my thoughts in those moments. You are my mistake, in the best possible sense. I have learned so many things from the things you have done wrong, that the things that I do wrong only make it that much more helpful. Try and try again. If you never fail, how do you know you have finally done it right? My kids will say they don’t like me or that I am mean, just as I have done to you, but in the end, none of it will matter as long as I have raised them right just like you have done for me.
So, to my mother and all the mom’s out there, MAKE MISTAKES! Do it proudly and let your kids understand you are human, they are human and it will happen. I know so many things get lost in life, we forget so many things in this chaotic world, but at the end of every day remember:
- Saying you are sorry will not kill you. Recognizing it, even if you don’t fully feel it, is strength.
- No matter what happened that day, or how you may feel, hug your kids. Tell them you love them as much as you can. They won’t know it now but as they age they will appreciate it more.
- Make mistakes! We are human and we should not feel bad for being human. As long as you can do step one, it will never be a problem.
No matter what, whoever reads this note, I hope you understand you do matter, and you have made a ripple. So, if you must ripple, make it one that matters and make it messy and splash everywhere!